My Dog Has Inherited My Phobias

Gabby is my Yorkshire Terrier who, when we first met, was 8 weeks old (56 weeks if you rely on the human to dog years conversion table).  She was cute, even-tempered, devoid of any neurosis, friendly with other dogs and most humans her size, had not yet figured out the difference between a treat and a chewy and was not dependent on Prozac to get her through the day.  Fast-forward 6 years and what we have is a phobic dog/father relationship.  Gabby, who is still cute, has figured out that every discharge of her bodily waste triggers a reward and so she carefully parcels it out throughout the day and night at regular intervals. 

There are frequent visits to the vet and although we are on the family plan, there is no deductible.  I have my vet’s cell number, home number, street address, know where he goes to get gas, play golf, and pick up his dry cleaning.  His favorite restaurants and closest friends and relatives are all contained in my speed dial.  There is no escape.

Gabby and I navigate our way through life as one.  When I have my teeth cleaned, she has hers cleaned.  When she gets her shots, I get mine.  When I have my haircut she gets groomed. When we go for a walk, she leads, I follow and both of us avoid stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk, something I picked up from her.

 We have learned from one another.  I bark at customer service people at the cable system, telephone company, social security office, banks and department stores.  Gabby barks at dogs and people her size and larger, cars, birds and any sounds she cannot readily identify

Together we have become a dynamic duo, nervous, suspicious, high strung, insecure, materialistic, afraid of the dark and of meeting new people and since we live near the San Andreas Fault, we are always fearful that the “Big One” is just around the corner.

 For better or worse we have bonded for all eternity and if there is an afterlife, we will probably return as Roger and Gabby only with our roles reversed.

Image source

Copyright 2009 Roger Lefkon

Fear of New Technology

I come from a world that was once populated by mimeograph machines, carbon paper, reel to reel tape recorders, cameras that required a roll of Kodak film in order to produce a picture, rabbit ears (not the furry kind), vinyl records, small screen bulky TV receivers, phones that actually connected you to a live person without having to endure a menu of endless prompts, 8mm movie cameras and, before Tivo, TV shows that actually had to be watched when they were scheduled for broadcast.  So is it any wonder then that I suffer from Neophobia, a fear of anything new.

Moving along, why would anyone want to take an ultra high speed train where the windows do not open and air becomes a precious commodity?  Let’s also not forget Viagra, the little blue pill that increases your blood flow at the same time it’s causing blindness and sending you to the emergency room with an erection that won’t quit.  And then there is E Harmony, the online dating service created by a former minister.  What better way to connect with and enjoy the company of a serial killer?

I am totally phobic when it comes to adapting to any kind of new technology and essentially the problem is my inability to comprehend the true meaning of the terms. In my universe a browser is someone you might confront in a bookstore, digital is a form of prostate examination, a cell is a living organism somewhere in my body, hard drive means getting on the green in two, a virus is an illness that doesn’t respond to anti-biotics, dot and com like in coma are forms of punctuation, a Blackberry is something that you put in your cereal or devour with sour cream, Twitter and Tweets are identical  exotic birds, Spam is a distasteful delicacy that I discovered while in the army, a cookie is a round, sugar intensive snack, quite tasty albeit fattening, a port is a place to visit to watch the ships come and go, a server is anyone who will provide you with a menu and then take your order, a worm is something to be placed on a fish hook, a curser is an angry person who minces no words, a desktop is just that, the top of a desk, to google is to fawn over a member of the opposite sex or alternatively a cute dog, Tivo is a Ringling Brothers clown that once befriended me and we all know what a mouse is, a wanna be rat.  And keep in mind that before Steve Jobs came along an Apple was something that, if you ate one a day, was guaranteed to keep the doctor away.

Image source

Copyright 2009 Roger Lefkon